Put The Lime In the Coconut and Mix it All Together

Just got home from the gym, worked hard tonight. And been hungry all day. Constantly hungry, same as yesterday so been trying to deal with that. Just had a few things on my mind I wanted to get out on here before I cleaned up and get some studying.

First, while in pre-calc I was thinking that the road of weight loss should be a positive one. The Catch 22 is that while going down this road everything you always put out of your mind, the insecurities that you block out and everything that brings you down come out in such a way that you can no longer ignore it.

What am I doing? Well, realizing that the most important thing is to be happy with yourself. Bottom line. Because what's driving you to lose weight? A desperate need, where everything your life is broken until you're a lighter meatbag? Or as a goal, knowing how amazing you'll look and all the cool clothes you can buy when you get to that place you want. It's a life style change, that's what this whole process is. And when all these problems pop up, the insecurities like "oh, man, I can't fit into these jeans" you have to learn how to deal with that. You take it one day at a time. One outfit at a time, and stay positive.

Running late though, so gotta head out, more to say later

So hey, here's what I look like. Took this at work today (about an hour ago). And it just made me smile, first good picture in a long time, feel like I could see a glimpse of what I would look like when I lost the weight I want to lose. Feeling good about myself lately, not sure why but not fighting it. Maybe Jared visiting helps.

And I'm Feeling Good

And in to the MUSE song we go.

Anyway, just feeling good today. Wanted to share that with you guys (or myself at this point). Went to the gym and the spinning class didn't kill me. Granted I could have edged up the resistance until it did but I did more than usual and I was feeling good. Like I worked hard bu I was able to do it, which feels amazing.

I was getting things in math, and I had all my homework in on time, and I don't have work tomorrow morning so I can hit the gym a little earlier. I've a lot of studying to do for next week but I'm taking it one day ay a time and feeling good.

Also, managed to find time to do my hair this morning. Finally got down finger waves and I looked really good ^__^ Got a lot of compliments, and that's what it's all about. Excited about losing weight, and just thinking about Jared and I being together and I was excited. Gonna go relax a little more and maybe get a little studying in. Thank you God for being so great and giving me reasons to be happy.

When Weight Loss Goes Horribly Wrong

Not with me, I feel pretty good, but one of my closest friends. I'm extremely worried about her.

We started the movement around the same time, though she had a few months on me, and she works out probably about three times more/harder than I do (I really just hate moving). And I could definitely see the difference, losing forty pounds will do that to you. But recently, about two weeks ago I noticed what her eating habits were. The non existent kind. She's starving herself and then working off five - seven hundred calories. Or maybe she'll have a hot chocolate for breakfast and skip eating the rest of the day.

Please don't do this. This is not how you lose weight.

I thought the story ended there, in which I would get her to eat stuff. Wasn't hard, I mean, I'm eating healthy too so we'd share a good turkey sandwich or something. I thought maybe I was missing something, she really is eating more. It's not like I ask her every day how much have you been eating, that's not only rude but there's much better things to talk about.

I get a text this morning from a mutual friend of ours, someone who has a tumblr account (I could never get the damn thing to work for me) and we'll call them Jessica.. My friend, who I'm talking about now also has a tumblr account. So Jessica asks me if our friend has a weight/eating problem. Considering just last night I was trying to get her to eat dinner with me because she was starving and not eating, I knew there was something going on. I told Jessica my suspensions and then Jessica told me to look at our friend's tumblr.I still didn't think much of it, so I put it off till later.

And then I saw it.

If you cracked open the mind of someone who had serious food issues, and weight issues, and associated pictures to ideas, that's what this page looked like. A crack house of delusion. It's breaking my heart just thinking of it. This is much more serious than I had ever imagined.  I don't even know what to do.

I mean, I get it. I understand that being skinny is important, but I don't like to label it like that. I don't even like the words diet/exercise. It has negative connotations for me (and probably most others). So I say eating better, moving around, weighing less. I keep a positive mind because I have to. I know how much weiging less would improve my life. My self esteem shoots up just thinking about it. Everything, almost everything in my life would improve if I was the weight I'm aiming to be. So I get it.

But it's a very fine line between working hard, and losing yourself in the work. And I'm afraid I'm losing a best friend here to nothing. It's not even a good cause. She's perfect the way she is, the way she was, and now this is destroying her. Or maybe it was always and it's just coming out now. I don't know. But I'm upset now. :/

So Yesterday I Was Naked...

Physically naked I mean, and I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was actually pretty happy. Nothing really changed, even though I've lost 14 pounds so far, but the scars and marks on my legs were almost completely gone. I think I got a glipse of what my boyfriend's always talking about, that I'm actually, dare I say, pretty?

Why is that so weird for me to admit...

I go through my days thinking I've an awesome level of confidence because when it comes to talking to people and what not, I do. And I get told that a lot, that I'm confident, or independent or all these good things and then when I get home and I'm with my boyfriend it's like. Hmf. Confidence gone. I think it's because like most... not just American girls, but people in general and especially with our generation, always see skinny as pretty. Slim as sexy and when you're not a size 2 (and I'm being generous with that number) you're not hot. And I think it's something I've accepted a long time ago without even realizing.

I never really consciously think about these things, it hurts my conscious ego. While deep down without thinking I "know I'm not sexy because of my weight" my conscious is like, damn girl you got it going onnn. To think about these feelings is a blow to that confidence, and I'm afraid if I think about it too long I'll be aware of my self esteem issues outside of the bedroom.

But alas, that's enough for now. I'm off to the gym. There's absolutely no use in talking about a problem if you don't have a plan of action at the end of the discussion.