Just got home from the gym, worked hard tonight. And been hungry all day. Constantly hungry, same as yesterday so been trying to deal with that. Just had a few things on my mind I wanted to get out on here before I cleaned up and get some studying.
First, while in pre-calc I was thinking that the road of weight loss should be a positive one. The Catch 22 is that while going down this road everything you always put out of your mind, the insecurities that you block out and everything that brings you down come out in such a way that you can no longer ignore it.
What am I doing? Well, realizing that the most important thing is to be happy with yourself. Bottom line. Because what's driving you to lose weight? A desperate need, where everything your life is broken until you're a lighter meatbag? Or as a goal, knowing how amazing you'll look and all the cool clothes you can buy when you get to that place you want. It's a life style change, that's what this whole process is. And when all these problems pop up, the insecurities like "oh, man, I can't fit into these jeans" you have to learn how to deal with that. You take it one day at a time. One outfit at a time, and stay positive.
Running late though, so gotta head out, more to say later
Thursday, November 10, 2011
So hey, here's what I look like. Took this at work today (about an hour ago). And it just made me smile, first good picture in a long time, feel like I could see a glimpse of what I would look like when I lost the weight I want to lose. Feeling good about myself lately, not sure why but not fighting it. Maybe Jared visiting helps.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
And I'm Feeling Good
And in to the MUSE song we go.
Anyway, just feeling good today. Wanted to share that with you guys (or myself at this point). Went to the gym and the spinning class didn't kill me. Granted I could have edged up the resistance until it did but I did more than usual and I was feeling good. Like I worked hard bu I was able to do it, which feels amazing.
I was getting things in math, and I had all my homework in on time, and I don't have work tomorrow morning so I can hit the gym a little earlier. I've a lot of studying to do for next week but I'm taking it one day ay a time and feeling good.
Also, managed to find time to do my hair this morning. Finally got down finger waves and I looked really good ^__^ Got a lot of compliments, and that's what it's all about. Excited about losing weight, and just thinking about Jared and I being together and I was excited. Gonna go relax a little more and maybe get a little studying in. Thank you God for being so great and giving me reasons to be happy.
Anyway, just feeling good today. Wanted to share that with you guys (or myself at this point). Went to the gym and the spinning class didn't kill me. Granted I could have edged up the resistance until it did but I did more than usual and I was feeling good. Like I worked hard bu I was able to do it, which feels amazing.
I was getting things in math, and I had all my homework in on time, and I don't have work tomorrow morning so I can hit the gym a little earlier. I've a lot of studying to do for next week but I'm taking it one day ay a time and feeling good.
Also, managed to find time to do my hair this morning. Finally got down finger waves and I looked really good ^__^ Got a lot of compliments, and that's what it's all about. Excited about losing weight, and just thinking about Jared and I being together and I was excited. Gonna go relax a little more and maybe get a little studying in. Thank you God for being so great and giving me reasons to be happy.
When Weight Loss Goes Horribly Wrong
Not with me, I feel pretty good, but one of my closest friends. I'm extremely worried about her.
We started the movement around the same time, though she had a few months on me, and she works out probably about three times more/harder than I do (I really just hate moving). And I could definitely see the difference, losing forty pounds will do that to you. But recently, about two weeks ago I noticed what her eating habits were. The non existent kind. She's starving herself and then working off five - seven hundred calories. Or maybe she'll have a hot chocolate for breakfast and skip eating the rest of the day.
Please don't do this. This is not how you lose weight.
I thought the story ended there, in which I would get her to eat stuff. Wasn't hard, I mean, I'm eating healthy too so we'd share a good turkey sandwich or something. I thought maybe I was missing something, she really is eating more. It's not like I ask her every day how much have you been eating, that's not only rude but there's much better things to talk about.
I get a text this morning from a mutual friend of ours, someone who has a tumblr account (I could never get the damn thing to work for me) and we'll call them Jessica.. My friend, who I'm talking about now also has a tumblr account. So Jessica asks me if our friend has a weight/eating problem. Considering just last night I was trying to get her to eat dinner with me because she was starving and not eating, I knew there was something going on. I told Jessica my suspensions and then Jessica told me to look at our friend's tumblr.I still didn't think much of it, so I put it off till later.
And then I saw it.
If you cracked open the mind of someone who had serious food issues, and weight issues, and associated pictures to ideas, that's what this page looked like. A crack house of delusion. It's breaking my heart just thinking of it. This is much more serious than I had ever imagined. I don't even know what to do.
I mean, I get it. I understand that being skinny is important, but I don't like to label it like that. I don't even like the words diet/exercise. It has negative connotations for me (and probably most others). So I say eating better, moving around, weighing less. I keep a positive mind because I have to. I know how much weiging less would improve my life. My self esteem shoots up just thinking about it. Everything, almost everything in my life would improve if I was the weight I'm aiming to be. So I get it.
But it's a very fine line between working hard, and losing yourself in the work. And I'm afraid I'm losing a best friend here to nothing. It's not even a good cause. She's perfect the way she is, the way she was, and now this is destroying her. Or maybe it was always and it's just coming out now. I don't know. But I'm upset now. :/
We started the movement around the same time, though she had a few months on me, and she works out probably about three times more/harder than I do (I really just hate moving). And I could definitely see the difference, losing forty pounds will do that to you. But recently, about two weeks ago I noticed what her eating habits were. The non existent kind. She's starving herself and then working off five - seven hundred calories. Or maybe she'll have a hot chocolate for breakfast and skip eating the rest of the day.
Please don't do this. This is not how you lose weight.
I thought the story ended there, in which I would get her to eat stuff. Wasn't hard, I mean, I'm eating healthy too so we'd share a good turkey sandwich or something. I thought maybe I was missing something, she really is eating more. It's not like I ask her every day how much have you been eating, that's not only rude but there's much better things to talk about.
I get a text this morning from a mutual friend of ours, someone who has a tumblr account (I could never get the damn thing to work for me) and we'll call them Jessica.. My friend, who I'm talking about now also has a tumblr account. So Jessica asks me if our friend has a weight/eating problem. Considering just last night I was trying to get her to eat dinner with me because she was starving and not eating, I knew there was something going on. I told Jessica my suspensions and then Jessica told me to look at our friend's tumblr.I still didn't think much of it, so I put it off till later.
And then I saw it.
If you cracked open the mind of someone who had serious food issues, and weight issues, and associated pictures to ideas, that's what this page looked like. A crack house of delusion. It's breaking my heart just thinking of it. This is much more serious than I had ever imagined. I don't even know what to do.
I mean, I get it. I understand that being skinny is important, but I don't like to label it like that. I don't even like the words diet/exercise. It has negative connotations for me (and probably most others). So I say eating better, moving around, weighing less. I keep a positive mind because I have to. I know how much weiging less would improve my life. My self esteem shoots up just thinking about it. Everything, almost everything in my life would improve if I was the weight I'm aiming to be. So I get it.
But it's a very fine line between working hard, and losing yourself in the work. And I'm afraid I'm losing a best friend here to nothing. It's not even a good cause. She's perfect the way she is, the way she was, and now this is destroying her. Or maybe it was always and it's just coming out now. I don't know. But I'm upset now. :/
Monday, November 7, 2011
Goal Weight #1...
Completed. Like a boss.
Woke up today unable to find my permit, which really sucks. I can't even comprehend how bad losing your drivers permit is until someone else takes it, takes my name, my credit, and my boyfriend's house.
/panic
So trying to get over that. Have to go order a new one and hope no one looks like me who's a thief.
ID Theft aside, I'm officially at my first goal weight. This is pretty big. I haven't lost twenty pounds yet, but, I finally got out of that bracket I felt trapped in for years. The 170-180s. Hello 169 baby, welcome to my life. (And for the record I'm 5'7", so I wasn't a spherical blob before).
Gonna hopefully get some studying done at work today, and hit the gym after school. Wish me luck and pray that I at least lost my ID in the good part of town. ;_;
Edit: I would be no where without the practical people on Yahoo Answers. <3
Woke up today unable to find my permit, which really sucks. I can't even comprehend how bad losing your drivers permit is until someone else takes it, takes my name, my credit, and my boyfriend's house.
/panic
So trying to get over that. Have to go order a new one and hope no one looks like me who's a thief.
ID Theft aside, I'm officially at my first goal weight. This is pretty big. I haven't lost twenty pounds yet, but, I finally got out of that bracket I felt trapped in for years. The 170-180s. Hello 169 baby, welcome to my life. (And for the record I'm 5'7", so I wasn't a spherical blob before).
Gonna hopefully get some studying done at work today, and hit the gym after school. Wish me luck and pray that I at least lost my ID in the good part of town. ;_;
Edit: I would be no where without the practical people on Yahoo Answers. <3
Sunday, November 6, 2011
No Way Back
Please, Foo Fighters. Stop being so awesome and everything you do...
Aside from the (blatantly obvious Foo Fighter song reference) title, was talking about Jared. I think that's why we used to argue so much years ago when we were just starting to figure out how dating went, because once we got together there was no way back. Or it just seems that way, all of our friends have accepted it, it's taking me a little while longer. There's this disconnect for me. I've always (since we met) seen my future after school with him, with our little person (I only wanted one kid) and our own appartment in the city. As I've gotten older the plan has changed, as he got a secure job down in South Carolina and as far as school goes I'm a free agent because I don't have any major scholarship or careers down yet.
This means the apartment in the city changed to the house he's renting in Oklahoma and then our own place in South Carolina. And it means thinking about having more than one little person (he really really wants, like, a thousand cause he's insane) and being together much sooner before graduating college, but after my associates. Also the money needed to move, the emotional and physical energy needed to fight my mom every step of the way. It's ten thousand times more than what I realized at thirteen.
I think a similar thing happens in all relationships, at least ones outside of high school for sure. It's when you hit this point of oh frig, this just got serious and it's not about you anymore.
And it never will just be about you ever again.
As an only child living in the city and pretty chill parents, at the risk of sounding like a d-bag here, in my mind it was always about me. Now I would always put my friends first, and do what I can for others and be a generally good person and what not but when it came down to what college I wanted to go to, what I wanted to do over the summer, where I went when I graduated and where I could live... well that stuff had only me in mind. And now it can't possibly be just about me, not if I want this relationship to work.
You think I wanted to go to Oklahoma? I live twenty miles from Manhattan, I go whenever I want. I thrive on all the swarms of people, diving into the spot light and hanging back watching the others fly by. I've always wanted the city, and to dorm there and spend my summers back and forth from the lower east side to central park and swing back to catch a local show. So for the longest time it was do I keep all my dreams, my friends, and the entire foundation I laid down for myself or do I leave it all and go see if things work out with Jared and I. That's why while I never cheated, or would be with anyone else while we were together, I could never really commit in the same way he did. But, I would still want my future to be with him and what not.
But, long story short because I've to run to go food shopping and run at the gym, I had given myself in August one year to figure out what I wanted to do with myself. God, relationships, college, where I wanted to live, career wise, etc. And at that point I had no idea about anything. Right now? I know how important God must be, and I know how important Jared is to me, and I need God but I want Jared just as much. So adjustments in my goals have to be made. And it's not that I'm giving up on any of my dreams, just they're going to take a little longer because I'm sharing them with someone incredibly special.
Aside from the (blatantly obvious Foo Fighter song reference) title, was talking about Jared. I think that's why we used to argue so much years ago when we were just starting to figure out how dating went, because once we got together there was no way back. Or it just seems that way, all of our friends have accepted it, it's taking me a little while longer. There's this disconnect for me. I've always (since we met) seen my future after school with him, with our little person (I only wanted one kid) and our own appartment in the city. As I've gotten older the plan has changed, as he got a secure job down in South Carolina and as far as school goes I'm a free agent because I don't have any major scholarship or careers down yet.
This means the apartment in the city changed to the house he's renting in Oklahoma and then our own place in South Carolina. And it means thinking about having more than one little person (he really really wants, like, a thousand cause he's insane) and being together much sooner before graduating college, but after my associates. Also the money needed to move, the emotional and physical energy needed to fight my mom every step of the way. It's ten thousand times more than what I realized at thirteen.
I think a similar thing happens in all relationships, at least ones outside of high school for sure. It's when you hit this point of oh frig, this just got serious and it's not about you anymore.
And it never will just be about you ever again.
As an only child living in the city and pretty chill parents, at the risk of sounding like a d-bag here, in my mind it was always about me. Now I would always put my friends first, and do what I can for others and be a generally good person and what not but when it came down to what college I wanted to go to, what I wanted to do over the summer, where I went when I graduated and where I could live... well that stuff had only me in mind. And now it can't possibly be just about me, not if I want this relationship to work.
You think I wanted to go to Oklahoma? I live twenty miles from Manhattan, I go whenever I want. I thrive on all the swarms of people, diving into the spot light and hanging back watching the others fly by. I've always wanted the city, and to dorm there and spend my summers back and forth from the lower east side to central park and swing back to catch a local show. So for the longest time it was do I keep all my dreams, my friends, and the entire foundation I laid down for myself or do I leave it all and go see if things work out with Jared and I. That's why while I never cheated, or would be with anyone else while we were together, I could never really commit in the same way he did. But, I would still want my future to be with him and what not.
But, long story short because I've to run to go food shopping and run at the gym, I had given myself in August one year to figure out what I wanted to do with myself. God, relationships, college, where I wanted to live, career wise, etc. And at that point I had no idea about anything. Right now? I know how important God must be, and I know how important Jared is to me, and I need God but I want Jared just as much. So adjustments in my goals have to be made. And it's not that I'm giving up on any of my dreams, just they're going to take a little longer because I'm sharing them with someone incredibly special.
Friday, November 4, 2011
These Kids...
I'm not sure if I've mentioned yet, but I'm a leader at the youth group held at my church; every friday myself and about seven other people (give or take) scramble together to try and put something nice together for our kids. That's what we call them, because after ten months of several hours a week on Friday, you get to know them and really care for them.
So long story short, the church is doing Operation Christmas child, where we're bringing packages for little children: think gender appropriate gadgets, and things you take for granted like soap, tooth paste, socks, etc. We made an announcement at youth group last week, and one person actually came in and filled a box.
But what was truely amazing was, Heather (one of the head leaders) said "Hey, if you guys can't bring in anything, you can give us a dollar, and we'll pick up something for you and donate it for the church." And one kid in the back gave in a dollar. And it was moving, because it was completely unexpected. And then another kid in the front. Two more on the side. And it was so incredible, the leaders all chipped in a few dollars and within five minutes we raised fifty two dollars for an incredible cause.
This is the kind of stuff I know God's got his hands in, because this is absolutely amazing. This... is why I love this place, and these people. Just wanted to share this with you.
So long story short, the church is doing Operation Christmas child, where we're bringing packages for little children: think gender appropriate gadgets, and things you take for granted like soap, tooth paste, socks, etc. We made an announcement at youth group last week, and one person actually came in and filled a box.
But what was truely amazing was, Heather (one of the head leaders) said "Hey, if you guys can't bring in anything, you can give us a dollar, and we'll pick up something for you and donate it for the church." And one kid in the back gave in a dollar. And it was moving, because it was completely unexpected. And then another kid in the front. Two more on the side. And it was so incredible, the leaders all chipped in a few dollars and within five minutes we raised fifty two dollars for an incredible cause.
This is the kind of stuff I know God's got his hands in, because this is absolutely amazing. This... is why I love this place, and these people. Just wanted to share this with you.
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