No Way Back

Please, Foo Fighters. Stop being so awesome and everything you do...

Aside from the (blatantly obvious Foo Fighter song reference) title, was talking about Jared. I think that's why we used to argue so much years ago when we were just starting to figure out how dating went, because once we got together there was no way back. Or it just seems that way, all of our friends have accepted it, it's taking me a little while longer. There's this disconnect for me. I've always (since we met) seen my future after school with him, with our little person (I only wanted one kid) and our own appartment in the city. As I've gotten older the plan has changed, as he got a secure job down in South Carolina and as far as school goes I'm a free agent because I don't have any major scholarship or careers down yet.

This means the apartment in the city changed to the house he's renting in Oklahoma and then our own place in South Carolina. And it means thinking about having more than one little person (he really really wants, like, a thousand cause he's insane) and being together much sooner before graduating college, but after my associates. Also the money needed to move, the emotional and physical energy needed to fight my mom every step of the way. It's ten thousand times more than what I realized at thirteen.

I think a similar thing happens in all relationships, at least ones outside of high school for sure. It's when you hit this point of oh frig, this just got serious and it's not about you anymore.

And it never will just be about you ever again.

As an only child living in the city and pretty chill parents, at the risk of sounding like a d-bag here, in my mind it was always about me. Now I would always put my friends first, and do what I can for others and be a generally good person and what not but when it came down to what college I wanted to go to, what I wanted to do over the summer, where I went when I graduated and where I could live... well that stuff had only me in mind. And now it can't possibly be just about me, not if I want this relationship to work.

You think I wanted to go to Oklahoma? I live twenty miles from Manhattan, I go whenever I want. I thrive on all the swarms of people, diving into the spot light and hanging back watching the others fly by. I've always wanted the city, and to dorm there and spend my summers back and forth from the lower east side to central park and swing back to catch a local show. So for the longest time it was do I keep all my dreams, my friends, and the entire foundation I laid down for myself or do I leave it all and go see if things work out with Jared and I. That's why while I never cheated, or would be with anyone else while we were together, I could never really commit in the same way he did. But, I would still want my future to be with him and what not.

But, long story short because I've to run to go food shopping and run at the gym, I had given myself in August one year to figure out what I wanted to do with myself. God, relationships, college, where I wanted to live, career wise, etc. And at that point I had no idea about anything. Right now? I know how important God must be, and I know how important Jared is to me, and I need God but I want Jared just as much. So adjustments in my goals have to be made. And it's not that I'm giving up on any of my dreams, just they're going to take a little longer because I'm sharing them with someone incredibly special.